Good day my fine friends, well I can fair feel the breeze from the resulting waft as you rub your disbelieving opticals with vigour at the sight of this magnificent pet.  If said rub should incur an unsightly eye area then a salve of two parts lemon to one part honey should rectify this,   no!  stay that notion, tis for bringing about a fair complexion therefore the element of lemon might accelerate a further aggrevation on any such tender flesh.  Until I recall the appropriate embrocation you will have to parade the streets with any rub-resulting, socially offensive, chafe.

I had been out for my daily perambulation to fortify my constitution and bring about a fresh and wholesome glow to my handsome visage in readiness for a photo-shoot of my luminary self later that day when I chanced upon this scene of domestic bliss and thought to my good-self that why! there was no better way to beat the humdrum out of the day than go for a gambol upon a, hopefully extremely securely tethered, gargantuan beast.   Memories of this pleasant scenario are marred only by the consequential chain of events due to my inability to believe my very own visionary tools, much like your good-self, but without the chafe.
 
I,  suspended in my incredulous state, did compliment the pets family or possibly fodder as no doubt it feasted on no less than two to three of the neighbourhood offspring daily.  To relate further, as I ventured into its proximity said pet drew a force nine breath and drooled a river of spittle.   Twas all I could do to ensure I did not fall prey to a faint that might result in a mistaken instance of self sacrifice and a gluttonous devouring of said mistaken offering by the majestic domestic mammal.   Well in its intake of aforementioned breath it had the apparition of looming towards yours, quaking, truly and did set off a quandary about my person which resulted in my taking an inadvertent tumble, his majesty thought an attack was imminent gave a growl, performed a manouvre that I cannot recall as twas all a bit of a blur but suffice to say what followed was a fiasco of all undulating, nay! that was just my movie-scenario-mind's-optical recalling a slow motion unfolding of horrific events. wildly flaying limbs underpinned by a now very much belly up beast.

Well I, admittedly in cowardly fashion but I have never denied I am of foppish tendancy, screamed "I’m innocent, I performed no perpetration upon this pet, I didn’t do a thing, whatever it was, I never partook in it, twas the boy, yes he’s clearly the ringleader goaded no doubt by the young miss".    I then informed M’Laydee I could not possibly assist due to weakened limbs, an aversion to blood, welts and bruised fleshy parts and dare not risk the blight of a grubby hand display anyway as I had an appointment to have my handsome and highly coveted person captured on film for pleasuring the good public.

I however, charitable as always, offered the beneficial advice of hastily improvising a leverage implement from an extremely girthy piece of tree limb which I know not to this day whether this was heeded or indeed heard as there was such an expanse of safe distance betwixt us.